good karma versus bad karma

This is a post that I am sure may sound strange - but i have been operating my whole life assuming that I had terrible karma before - thus my life was horrific this time around - and my job was to help everyone I came in contact with. yesterday a woman who for a few days has only been helping me and being kind to me offered me a gift. She told me "Maria I think you were my mother in another lifetime and this lifetime I want to express gratitude to you for what you have done for me...." I was shocked. All my life people tell me that I have mother energy and for the first time in my life someone wanted to express gratitude. what an amazing woman... and also what an amazing feeling. I realized that for months now people have been expressing gratitude to me and appreciation and good feelings and I have only been hiding by myself - what if all these people have been trying to give me the same message. What if I need to do nothing to help and I deserve to be loved just for being myself?

I grew up in an environment where I was abused. I have believed that I deserve nothing and I have believed that I can only be bad. I also believed that it is only by serving others that maybe I deserve to be loved. which really translates to "I don't deserve to be loved". After all these years I realize that maybe I deserve to be loved. Maybe I deserve to be accepted and loved. What a beautiful realization. It is still new to me, this beautiful feeling of deserving love....

thank you beautiful friend for your kind words

loaning money

I am grateful that I was in the position to loan money - it taught me a very hard lesson though. people are very strange around money. they will take it in many ways and they will keep it in even more ways. I feel that I have a lot to say about this but I also feel that I need to really learn how to simply say "no" from now on. for no reason, for no circumstance. no. i feel that this is important for me to learn.

i will come back and revisit this post because emotions are still raw inside me.

letting go of what does not serve me

last week i was very lucky - i spent it with a woman, a sister, a friend of the heart - it was an amazing experience for me not to be alone in my journey and rather to be surrounded by love and caring. we were in Bali so we even worked out the mystery of the roaches - she had something she needed to work through and to let go - and she kept attracting them to remind her...

today i spoke with a man who does not make me feel loved - and that is an understatement! he keeps criticising everything i do and finds a spiritual reason why he is right and i am wrong. the real question is why i am still hanging out with him? why do i not let him be a part of the other 7 bil people and instead let him be a part of my life. i remember Oprah had a "positive police" - if people were not positive they were thrown out of her parties - why do i not pay attention to who is around me? even more importantly - now that i know who he is why do i keep him around? do i secretly believe that maybe one day he will like me? maybe if i am good enough or wise enough or something else or someone else he would like me? how about me? do i like him? the answer is definitely not. i had the opportunity to be in a relationship with him and the answer was no. i had the opportunity to be friends with him and the answer is no. so i pretend to be ok with him so maybe he will like me so maybe i get validation? silly maria!

what other people think is their business. my business is to be myself. some people will like me for that. a few people will love me for that. some people will dislike me for that. a few people will hate me for that. in fact there is a balance in this world so the proportions will stay the same... so i have the choice to continue hanging out with those people who criticise me and not like me or i have the choice to find those people who make my life better. what will it be?

for today i chose the one who does not like me. i guess i have many other choices to make today. i hope i pick better later on...

and yeah i like myself despite this silly obsession to waste my time with people who do not really like me. 

a little about healing

today is my first attempt to write a little about healing - i am writing a book about it now

more and more i have been feeling that healing is about healing ourselves. i used to feel the pain in others and i would run away literally - i thought they were hurting me. then years ago someone told me that they are just showing me where they need love and i can heal them that way. i started by healing them - touching that part of them that hurts and helping them this way. then i realized that the only reason i can feel it is because their pain resonates with me. so i started simply praying for them and touching myself in that spot effectively healing myself. today a friend who came for a healing surprised me by asking me for more healing and asking me to touch his heart because it made him feel so much better. then i realized that no matter what touch is healing. no matter what loving is healing. no matter what we are all one and the more we affirm that by being together the more we are likely to heal each other and humanity. so this is dedicated to love and to healing.

love love love

What is mine and what is not mine?

I came back from Bali a few days ago and since then I have been struggling with adapting to the life in Thailand again. I have been avoiding people and barely exercising because I felt a lot of pressure adapting to the new lifestyle. I realize that the key is to differentiate what is mine and what is not mine.
so let me take notice. *I* am fine. I have been fine since I arrived. I have been simply adjusting to a new environment. More and more I realize that a new environment is a drastic change and is almost challenging physically for me. So I made the conscious decision to start separating things one by one. What is mine? what is not mine?
I realize that the weather is not mine. It is a lot hotter in Bangkok than it is in Bali. So adjusting to the weather is an important part of adapting to the new environment. Let me be positive. What do I like about the weather? I really like the fact that I can go out in my balcony early in the morning wearing a T-shirt and it is hot enough for me to simply sit there and enjoy the early morning quiet.
I realize that the other people are not me. I see the people around me a lot more stressed than I am. Well there is no reason for me to absorb their stress. What I can do is to look at them and stay where I am. And they will come to me when they need me. My friend this morning came to see me because he had a pain in his chest. My other friend came to see me because he wanted to give me a gift he brought from his home land. Overall a great morning.
I realize that the food is not mine. I cannot change the way people eat here. I can make healthy food choices despite the fact that there is sugar everywhere. A few days ago I got very sick because of sugar. So I decided to make an effort to avoid sugar now. And it is making me feel much better about myself. :)
I realize that what is mine is a very small portion. I am spending time with myself and in quiet and i am really enjoying this time. what a wonderful time it is now that i am making sure to stay alone. I am happy I am able to distinguish what is mine and what is not mine. i like it as an exercise too!